


life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

by nbrook



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Banter, Christmas Fluff, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 10:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28349892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nbrook/pseuds/nbrook
Summary: Sander and Robbe became best friends before Sander made a move and then Robbe went and got himself another boyfriend, leaving him pining. And it’s fine, really, it is. Sander promised himself that he wouldn’t do anything about it for as long as Robbe was happy. But when Robbe’s boyfriend ridicules his love for everything Christmas, he decides to step in to give him the Christmas traditions he deserves himself.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 20
Kudos: 150





	life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

**Author's Note:**

> I craved a Christmas fluff fic.
> 
> So I wrote it :)  
> It ended up being too long :)
> 
> Btw, I'm posting this at 4am, if there are any mistakes, it's my exhaustion's fault (tell me if you find any please!)

****

**November 29th**

December has barely even started and the streets of Antwerp are already covered with an impressive amount of snow. It’s been a nice surprise to wake up this morning and not be able to see even an inch of concrete outside, the world behind the window resembling more of a winter wonderland than an average city in Belgium.

Despite his occasional grumbling about wet socks and freezing air slowly piercing through his skin, Sander loves real winter weather, so his excitement is almost palpable as he’s walking through still unshoveled sidewalk with a giant smile on his face

Even Senne’s good-natured teasing about his childlike snow enthusiasm can’t ruin his good mood. In fact, a well aimed snowball hitting the back of his best friend’s head makes his mood even better.

He’s still sputtering in shock when they get to the flatshare with Sander laughing his ass off at the indignant look on his face. He manages to slink inside fast enough to avoid any retaliation, Senne pushing at his shoulder when he catches up to him on the stairs.

When they finally roll into the apartment they’re making much more noise than necessary, laughing as they try to get another jab at one another while getting rid of their wet coats and shoes. There’s some commotion happening in the living room so they head there to find out what’s going on. 

“You’re both such cheaters, oh my god!” 

Zoe and Robbe high five each other while Milan is shooting glares at them from the other side of the board.

“What’s happening here?” 

All heads turn to Sander as he’s assessing the room. It seems like they’re playing some board game, Monopoly probably, judging by Milan’s offended mumbling about the other two ganging up on them and putting him to jail all the time. Zoe, Amber, and Aaron are here too, but all Sander can currently focus on is the cute smile Robbe sends his way when he notices him, saying a cheerful _hey_ , and just that voice alone makes him go a little weak in the knees.

He smiles back with his own lopsided smile and he’s about to go and occupy the empty spot on the couch next to Robbe when someone bumps into him from behind, muttering a hasty _sorry_ before dropping with a heavy sigh on that very couch, hand landing high on Robbe’s thigh.

Of course he’s here too.

Awesome. 

Now Sander has to mentally prepare himself for an evening filled with images of this guy’s hands all over Robbe.

He goes to greet the rest of their friends, the smile long gone from his face, and he chooses a place to sit that’s the furthest from Robbe and his boyfriend, refusing to even look in their direction. He can’t help but feel guilty when the boy shoots him a confused and a little hurt look at his quick dismissal, but Sander is just human; his heart has been shattered so many times seeing Robbe in the arms of someone else that it seriously needs a break. 

But, he also absolutely hates when Robbe has that look of dejected puppy on his face so he shoots him a quick smile pretending he’s totally fine before trying to get engrossed in the conversation with Aaron and Senne while the rest gets back to their game.

Sander is a masochist though and he does glance every once in a while in the direction of the _lovely_ couple, his thoughts wandering yet again to figure out how he ended up here.

He still can't forgive himself for missing his chance. Frankly, he still doesn't know how that could have possibly happened. 

Shortly before _the_ trip Senne had mentioned something about having a new roommate but he and Sander hadn’t met yet. 

In fact, he and Robbe met on day 3 of the spring break trip he was invited to as Senne's friend several months ago. He had a project to finish so he arrived late, stumbling into Robbe on the early Saturday morning in the kitchen of the wooden cabin. He was completely mesmerized from the very first time he laid his eyes on the boy with brown curly hair, tentative smile, and baggy clothes. And then they started talking and Robbe let out the cutest little giggle Sander had ever heard and he.was.done.

Heart eyes and all.

Beside Senne, Robbe was the first person that truly listened to him, swallowing every word as Sander went on and on about his passions, being all adorably embarrassed when he caught his little lie about knowing Bowie, looking at him with that fascination in his eyes from the other side of the shopping cart.

They spent the entire trip glued to each other, learning so much about each other in a short span of time, and Sander was so sure that his attraction was reciprocated. Robbe had that sparkle in his eyes every time he looked at him and by the time they all came back to Antwerp, Sander was walking on cloud nine, his head full of ideas for the first date with a boy that was the most beautiful and kind thing he had ever seen.

They got really close over the few weeks afterwards, sharing a similar sense of humor, bonding over similar experience with mental illness, becoming each other’s confidantes, and goofing around together. Sander started to spend most of his free time in the flatshare, now hanging out not only with Senne but also Robbe. 

Or listening to Milan's recent grindr affairs. 

Robbe introduced him to his friends and even tried to teach him to skate (unsuccessfully, of course, because Sander and sports of any kind just don’t go in pairs). He was amazing, and each day, Sander was falling deeper. 

He had never felt such strong attraction to anybody.

Yet, he waited before making a move. He had it all planned out, including a perfect scenario of their first kiss because he is just that extra, thank you very much. 

And then, one afternoon, he got friendzoned.

In hindsight, it was his own fault for waiting too long to ask Robbe out. One minute he was totally confident of the boy's interest in him and in another Robbe was asking him for help preparing for a date with a guy from his school that happened to just ask him out the day before. 

He still remembers the desperation he felt sitting on Robbe's bed as the boy was nervously trying to find the right outfit for his date with a guy _that wasn't Sander_. 

His brain was screaming at him to beg Robbe not to go but he looked genuinely happy and excited and Sander realized he had horribly misjudged Robbe's affectionate behavior towards him. 

The sound of his breaking heart was deafening.

And Robbe seemed to be completely oblivious to his internal pain.

In the end, he stayed on that bed, put a smirk on, and resorted to teasing him about having a crush while trying very hard not to show how much he was hurting inside.

Because of course a perfect guy like Robbe wouldn’t be interested in him in that way. Sander was broken, a mess, and Robbe needed someone who deserved him and was worthy of him, and Sander knew he was neither of these things.

So yeah. That is how the boy that he loved got himself another boyfriend, making Sander his official best friend and, oh the irony, relationship advisor number one.

And, not to forget, the shoulder to cry on when his asshole of a boyfriend is being, well, an asshole.

Tomas.

A pretentious prick that thinks he's better than everybody else. 

A total douchebag who doesn't appreciate how lucky he is to call Robbe, the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful soul that is Robbe his boyfriend.

Sander can accept that Robbe doesn’t feel about him the same way, he does, but it gets on his nerves that the boy isn’t dating somebody who treats him right.

His musings are interrupted with Milan’s loud groan as he officially loses the game, grumpily mumbling about how it’s against Christmas spirit to scheme behind his back so blatantly in order to make him lose. 

“Milan, it’s November 29th, it’s hardly Christmas,” Zoe laughs, but kisses his cheek to placate him a little, swiping off her lipstick residue with her thumb.

“So? I celebrate the whole month! I have so many traditions, don’t you?”

Zoe leans into Senne’s arms kissing the hinge of his jaw. “We’re not really that into Christmas, I guess. But we do go tree hunting together, right, baby?”

“Yeah, but we still kinda do it last minute.”

“I love decorating my room, last year I started putting lights on in November,” Amber joins the conversation.

“And that’s my kind of girl!” Milan tips his glass towards her in approval before turning to Robbe. "Robbe, do you have any traditions?"

"Um, not really, I mean, I did when I was a little kid but then everything changed and-" Robbe shrugs as a shadow of regret passes his face, "Well, let's just say there wasn't really anybody interested in doing them. I‘ve always loved Christmas though." 

Sander feels for him because Robbe told him all about his difficult family life just a few weeks after they met when he was going through a hard time with his mom again. He remembers his sunken eyes and how he was on edge all the time, worrying himself sick when she was admitted to the hospital. 

It took about 2 weeks for her to get better and during that time Sander leaned over backwards to ease Robbe’s stress. He even agreed to an impromptu skating lesson to humor him. His ass was bruised like a peach the next day but Robbe’s laugh every time he fell down, hands flying comically, was totally worth it.

He sees Robbe reaching for Tomas' hand and entwining their fingers with a small smile. "But, I guess things can change now, right?" 

Tomas raises his eyebrows looking confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I was hoping we could do all these cool things together? Decorate the tree here, bake Christmas pie, go to the Christmas fair, go ice skating, wrap gifts together…" Robbe lists excitedly, eyes fixed at his boyfriend.

Tomas scrunches up his face. "Don't you think it’s a waste of time? And pretty childish?"

Robbe's face falls at his deprecating tone and Sander's hands start to itch with how much he wants to punch that smirk off Tomas' stupid face.

Before he can retort, Zoë shoots a glare in the guy's direction.

"That's not childish. Millions of couples in the world do that every year."

Sander sends a silent thank you to Zoe, glad his dislike for this guy seems to be shared.

Tomas, on the other hand, is clearly surprised at the coldness in her voice and he raises his hands in surrender.

"Sure, whatever, I'm just saying! I kinda feel like all that Christmassy stuff was created to entertain children and then when you get to a certain age it’s really boring. I mean, twinkling lights, cutesy decorations? I’ll pass. Not really interested in Christmas in general."

He shrugs, reaching for his glass of wine and taking a quick sip before glancing at Robbe who went quiet next to him and is now fiddling with his fingernail. Tomas’ face takes on what was probably supposed to be an apologetic look, and he places a loud kiss on his cheek, nuzzling a little. 

"I'm just sure we can find better things to do, right, darling?" 

He says that in such a sleazy way that Sander's eyes almost get stuck in his skull from the eye rolling too hard. Robbe chuckles, embarrassed, trying to squirm away from Tomas' sudden kisses on his neck and Sander can feel his stomach turn. He gets up, mumbling something about going to the kitchen for a glass of water, pretending not to see Senne's and Milan's knowing looks.

Once in the kitchen, he hops on the counter, leaning his head on the cupboard behind with a sigh. He’s still boiling with anger, part of him wanting to go back to the living room to tell Tomas exactly what he thinks of him belittling Robbe’s feelings like that in front of everyone.

He can't stand how he treats him. Even more, he can't stand that Robbe lets him.

He deserves so much and Sander would walk to the moon and back to make him happy. 

There’s a vague memory of Robbe telling him a while ago about how excited he was about Christmas this year, finally having someone to celebrate it with, to bring back all his traditions and create new ones. At the time, Sander wished he could have been that special person but he was okay with how things were as long as Robbe was happy.

But that’s not the case anymore.

Sander looks at the outside through the window where it’s snowing even harder than before and his mind starts putting a plan together, no way to stop it now once the seed has been planted. 

He hesitates for only a few seconds before he makes up his mind.

Fuck it.

If mr. Douchebag is too _mature_ to give Robbe Christmas traditions for the first time since he still had a happy family then he will do it himself. Gladly.

***

**December 4th**

Unfortunately, Sander’s master plan needs to wait a little because his professors don’t seem to care that it’s almost Christmas and everyone wants to chill out. Normally, he would be totally fine with that and spend hours upon hours working on his projects, but this time is different. He gets annoyed having to spend yet another December evening locked in his studio slash bedroom working on the depth of his drawing that he just cannot get right when all he wants is to get on with his MAKE ROBBE HAPPY FOR CHRISTMAS mission (...it’s a working title okay).

They haven’t even seen each other this week beside that short moment in the flatshare which Robbe helpfully pointed out to him in their yesterday’s conversation, sending him a pouty emoji to leave no doubt how he felt about it, demanding Sander bring his ass over so they can hang out.

Suddenly, his phone buzzes, effectively destroying any focus he has managed to keep for the last few hours. He scrubs his face with his hand and cracks his back groaning at how good it feels to finally move around after sitting in the same position for too long. The phone vibrates again so he grabs it from the desk and flops on the bed, making himself comfortable as he checks the notifications.

_I miss your stupid face_

_Are you going to abandon me forever for pencils and acrylic paints???_

Sander snorts at Robbe’s dramatic tone.

_Awwww_

_You miss me, I’m honored_

_I’m just bored, need you to entertain me_

_Oh I see how it is_

_You don’t miss me_

_I’m kiddiiiiiing_

_Pick me up from school tomorrow? We can hang out_

_Hmmm_

_I don’t know if you deserve it_

_We can even go to your favorite coffee shop_

_You’re driving a hard bargain_

_I’m listening_

_I’ll buy you your pretentious coffee_

_Venti?_

_Omg yes_ 🙄

_With a bunch of marshmallows on top_

_Okay then_

_One day I’m gonna tell everyone your secret you know_

_Which is?_

_That you only pretend to like black coffee and always make it super fancy and fluffy with rainbow sprinkles_

_Haters gonna hate_

_Hate hate hate hate_ 😎

_Wow are u okay_

_You’re quoting Taylor Swift to me_

_Who are you and what did you do to Sander???_

_Shut up I heard it on the radio_

_Once_

_One doth protest too much_ 😏

🖕🏻

_So_

_Tomorrow at 3?_

_Yep_

_But um_

_?_

_Don’t you have plans with Tomas or something?_

_Why?_

_Idk just making sure you’re available to spend the afternoon with my humble self_

😒

_I wanna hang out with my best friend_

_He’s gonna understand_

_Don’t let Jens see you calling me that_

_He’s gonna cry himself to sleep_

😂

_See you tomorrow_

_See ya_ 😘

  
  


His thumb hovers above his own kissy emoji but he stops himself before pressing send. Robbe doesn’t mean it like that and it’ll be better if Sander doesn’t follow his lead and be all casually but very _platonically_ affectionate.

It’s almost 23 and there’s a nagging voice in his head telling him he should lift his ass and go back to work but his bed is just so comfy at the moment that he tells that voice to shut up and burrows deeper into the mattress, his thoughts returning to Robbe and part one of his Christmas mission tomorrow.

*** 

**December 5th**

“Here you go. Your venti gingerbread spice vanilla mocha with cream, extra caramel, hazelnut and marshmallows. Would you want coffee with all that sugar, sir?”

Robbe is looking very pleased with himself as he hands Sander his coffee, a shit-eating grin firmly in place. Sander arches one unimpressed eyebrow as he snatches the cup from Robbe’s still cold like icicle fingers and takes a sip, moaning exaggeratedly at the taste.

“It’s sooo good.”

Robbe scrunches up his face with disgust.

“Hey, don’t knock it till you try it. Want some?”

“Nope.”

“I think you want it. I can see it in your eyes as you look at my cup forlornly from above your sad sad black coffee that has no cream in it.”

Sander takes another sip, winking at him as they leave the coffee shop which is bursting at the seams from the number of people inside and venture into the snowy streets.

“I am perfectly happy with my black coffee.”

“Keep telling that to yourself.”

Robbe ignores his teasing and focuses on warming up his hands by clutching at the steaming paper cup.

“Where are your gloves?”

The boy looks up at him with regret. “In my bottom drawer.”

The tone of his voice paired with the puppy eyes Robbe is giving him makes him look so adorably miserable that Sander almost coos.

Instead, he shakes his head with a feigned disapproval.

“So irresponsible.”

“Oh fuck off,” Robbe laughs under his breath and it puts a smile on Sander’s face too. 

He notices how his eyes are twinkling, reflecting the street Christmas lights as they’re walking down the streets amidst the people rushing home from work. It’s hard for him to look away sometimes, his artist persona finding Robbe’s perfect features a subject to die for, and his pining heart swooning under his undeniable beauty. He never lets himself look too long though, afraid of getting caught and having to explain the true nature of his feelings.

They take a long walk along the frozen Scheldt, catching up on the week they had and drinking their coffees that have already gone lukewarm. He tells Robbe about his New Year’s Eve trip and his plans to get a part-time job at the local museum next year, and Robbe teases him about soon being a full-blown adult meaning it’ll be embarrassing for him to show up with Sander in public. He pokes tongue into his cheek, so pleased with his joke, and they fall into their usual banter that dies out only when they get to Robbe’s apartment building. 

One of the benefits of having the two of his best friends living in the same flat is that Sander can split his time between them without even having to go to a different place. He parts his ways with Robbe for the time being who insists on studying some more and spends the rest of the afternoon playing video games with Senne.

Naturally, he loses most of the time because video games just like sports are just not his thing. At 8:30, he says goodbye to Senne, snorting when the boy only waves at him absent-mindedly, jaw open while he's staring at the screen. There's a dim light coming from Robbe's room and he gently knocks on the door, ready to start part one of his plan.

Robbe is sprawled lazily on the bed but when he notices it's Sander he straightens himself a little, hand running quickly through his hair.

Sander raises his eyebrows, looking at him with expectation, his tone serious and official.

"Have you put out your shoe yet?"

"Uh, no?"

He looks so adorably confused that Sander wants to grab him and kiss his face all over, then wrap him in a blanket and never let go.

"Well what are you waiting for, young man? Don't you want to get anything from Sint?"

"Well…"

Without waiting for Robbe's reply, he looks around the room and notices a stray grey vans which he grabs for a closer inspection. 

"That will do." He turns around unceremoniously and leaves, with giggling Robbe following him to the kitchen.

"Sander, wait-"

"What?"

"Isn't that kinda… childish?" his cheeks pink up a little when he says that, his face unsure at Sander's antics.

And Sander can see Tomas' influence all over that expression and oh god he hates that guy.

He decides to ignore him though because this is _not_ about him and resorts to playfulness. 

He gasps with feign shock, hand grasping at his chest.

"Robbe! This is a _tradition_. How dare you disrespect Sint like this."

It makes Robbe chuckle and his body relax, the tension that was previously there now mostly gone and Sander pats himself on the back. 

Robbe hops on the counter, a private little smile on his face as Sander rummages around the fridge trying to find some carrots.

"I don't think we have any carrots though," Robbe's voice comes from behind his back.

Sander decides to continue his schtick and shakes his head with disapproval.

"And so unprepared for his arrival. It's like you don't want to get anything!"

"I do!" he protests, giggling, and the little shit actually has the nerve to kick his butt, his face a picture of total innocence when Sander turns around and narrows his eyes.

"Did you just kick me?"

"Nope."

"Oh really? Cause I could have sworn that-"

"I think you're just seeing things, you know, it does come with an old age."

"Oh my god, you're such a brat! I'll make sure Sint knows that."

Robbe looks at him with a challenge. 

"Oh really? You now have Sint’s number in your phone, huh?"

"Uhhh, yes? Don't you know I'm special?" he makes a 360, training his face into a smolder and batting his eyelashes. "I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir."

Robbe explodes with giggles, pushing at his shoulder, almost falling off the counter with the sudden motion and catching himself in the last second. "You're such a dork."

"Why so violent today?" he closes the distance between them absent-mindedly, his brain not catching up with his movements when both of his hands land on the boy's thighs, Robbe's reaction non-existent as if it's completely natural. "Come on, Robbe, don't you wanna be a good boy for Sint?"

He didn't mean for it to come out so suggestive but his intentions don't matter because Robbe’s face turns into a tomato anyway and it hits Sander that they both know very well that in this particular scenario _he_ is going to be the Sint. 

It's like his body suddenly notices how close they are, his hands still on Robbe's very naked thighs and he could have sworn that Robbe’s eyes stop at his mouth for a second before he clears his throat and lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Um, I think there's a cucumber in the fridge so you can use that instead of a carrot?"

The change in the subject in anything but subtle but Sander greets it with relief as he can't trust himself not to do something very stupid right now. He backs out plastering a teasing smile as if everything is a-okay, nothing awkward here, no sir.

He busies himself with diving into the plastic container in the fridge again and fishes out a not-so-fresh looking piece of vegetable which gives him an opportunity to bring back the playful mood.

"You call that edible?" he examines the cucumber flinging it back and forth. 

"Hey, it's not my fault Milan can't store it properly!" Robbe's cheeks are still a bit flushed but besides that it looks like he got his composure back.

Sander, on the other hand, can still feel the smell of his aftershave in his nostrils and the tips of his fingers are still tingling with the feeling of his skin. And Robbe is watching him like a hawk so he needs to put extra effort to act unfazed. 

He reaches for a few sugar cubes from the shelf and creates a perfect (if he says so himself) display, stucking the cucumber in Robbe's shoe before arranging the cubes on top.

"Our artist."

Robbe says that with such fondness that Sander's heart is bleeding for him as he turns around to meet his gaze, Robbe regarding him with the softest smile, now sitting cross-legged on the counter

And Sander really needs to leave right now since his work is done because it's getting harder and harder to stop himself from kissing Robbe when he looks so mellow and so beautiful _and_ smiles at him with such happiness in his eyes.

"Okay, I think this is the best we can do. Hopefully, he won't mind the half-rotten cucumber that is not a carrot," he says on his way to the hallway to put his jacket on. 

Robbe leans on the wall watching him dress. "Hey, it was really cool we could finally hang out earlier today."

"You know I was just joking yesterday, right? You didn't actually have to buy me a coffee to convince me to spend time with you."

The boy's jaw falls wide open in a feigned shock. "And you're telling me this _after_ I spent 6 euros on your fancy coffee?!" Then he rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I know you weren't serious, I'm not dumb."

"Well-," Sander makes a doubtful face which earns him another shove from a spluttering Robbe. Once they calm down, he continues. "I love hanging out with you so." He shrugs his arms and Robbe bites his lower lip, looking almost bashful.

"Me too." 

Okay he needs to go. Now. 

So he does just that, saying a short goodbye to Robbe, melting a little at the quiet _thanks for this_ as he points at the kitchen and then he's finally out the door, free to pine all the way to his home, Robbe's content smile etched into his brain.

It’s time to finally go home but first, he needs to pay a visit to a local grocery store.

***

**December 6th**

His alarm rings at the asscrack in the morning and Sander is not a morning person. He has a half thought of throwing that devil's device at the wall to make it shut up but then his brain catches up exactly why his alarm is making noise at 5 am on a Saturday. He rolls his tired body off the bed with a pathetic groan, putting his clothes on automatically before grabbing the plastic bag full of goodies he bought yesterday and still half asleep leaves his apartment.

Oh the distances he goes to make Robbe smile.

The city is eerily quiet but Sander finds comfort in that as he strolls over several avenues before he gets to his destination. The cold is seeping through his leather jacket and if Robbe was here he'd probably yell at him for not wearing a proper winter attire but what Robbe fails to understand is that the aesthetic of this jacket is worth freezing his ass off.

He climbs to the fourth floor, the effort doing wonders to warm up his body, and he quietly enters his friends' apartment. 

Both Senne and Milan know about his plan for which he had to endure endless teasing, because of course, so he knows that any possible sounds won't alarm them. But he needs to work extra quietly not to wake Robbe up and ruin the surprise. 

He manages to pour out the content of the bag with as little noise as possible before arranging the candies and chocolate Sints on the counter and kitchen table right next to Robbe's shoe. 

The last thing left to do is to pull out the small pine tree he made Milan hid in the cabinet behind the trash yesterday and place it at the very end of the table with a small note attached to it.

_I’m thirsty_

He eyes his work critically and once he pronounces it perfect he's on his way out. He leaves the key Senne lent him in his jacket pocket just like he promised and quietly slips out through the front door. 

His last thought before falling back into his bed is a regret that he won't be able to see Robbe's face when he sees his surprise.

***

The next time he wakes up, his room is bright meaning the hour is not so ungodly this time.

According to his phone, it's 11, so he stretches his body lazily letting out the biggest yawn. It's then that he notices several new messages from Robbe and he hastily taps the icon to read them. 

_When tf did you do all this????_

_This is so amazing sjsjsjsjjss_

_Nobody except for my mom ever did anything like this for me_

_Thank you_ 💙💙💙

Sander feels a pang of pain at the hearts at the end, wishing so badly they meant something more. 

_I don't know what you're talking about_ 🤷🏼♂️

The reply comes back immediately with a photo of his artful display attached.

_Sure you don't_ 🎅

_Wow! I guess you've really been a good boy this year if Sint gave you so many goodies!_

_Seriously, thank you_ 💙 _For today and for yesterday_

_I know nothing_

_Oh and the tree is beautiful_ 😊

  
  


He burrows deeper into the sheets, feeling elated that the first part of his plan worked so well. At the same time though, there’s a lingering sadness that this is his reality - Robbe at his apartment, probably waiting for his boyfriend to spend the day with, and him here, alone and yearning for a boy he can’t have but he can’t stay away from. 

The thing is, Sander has already tried to put distance between them once. It was when the pining became too much and he realized he was just hurting himself by hanging out with Robbe so much, hoping that maybe, just maybe, Robbe was going to wake up one day and realize that he’s actually dating the wrong person. 

His plan didn’t work out though. It turned out that erasing Robbe from his life was even more painful than having to stand the reality in which he could only stare but not touch. He also thinks that he wouldn’t be able to stay away anyway because Robbe’s killer puppy-dog eyes when he asked him why he started to avoid him completely disarmed him.

Which is how he finds himself here - still hoping, even if he’s pretending that he’s not. Even if he decided not to purposefully break up Robbe’s relationship, just so he could swoop in and save the day. He’s just not that person.

Sighing, he clicks on the messages from Milan and Senne.

_Omg Sander you're so cute_ 🥰🥰🥰

_You should've seen his face when he entered the kitchen this morning_

_He was so happy and smiley_

_And he watered the tree right away and took it to his room shooting suspicious looks at me like I was going to take it away from him_ 🤣

😉

_So what's the next step in making Robbe fall head over heels with you and getting rid of the giant asshole out of the picture??? I'm offering my help_ 😘😘😘

🙄 

_Milan_

_You know that's not what I’m doing_

_I just wanna give him his perfect Christmas_

🥺🥺🥺

_That is so sweet_

_Which is why you're perfect for him_

_I can subtly talk to Robbe about how perfect you are for him!_

_Fuck don't_

_It doesn't matter_

_Of course it matters! You're going out of your way to make him happy and you’re hurting from afar cause he's the most oblivious person in the world_

_It's all good_

_No it's not_

_I feel so sad for you baby_ 🥺

  
  


Senne's message is short.

_Dude_

_You got it baaaaaad_

He just sends a 🖕🏻 to him and leaves it at that. 

He briefly considers going back to sleep but the pile of homework on his desk is calling his name and he just can’t ignore it any longer. He’s heaving himself up with great effort when there’s a loud knock on his door and in barges his little sister wearing an obnoxious Santa hat.

“Hey squirt, what did I say about coming in without invitation?”

The girl has the decency to look sheepish, her green eyes huge as she regards him from where she’s lounging at the door and waiting for his reaction. He rolls his eyes at her sudden change in demeanor.

“Ok, you can come in.”

That’s all she needed to hear because she flings herself at his bed, talking mile a minute.

“Sinterklaus came yesterday and you need to come with me to the kitchen because mom said I can’t open my gifts without you so I’ve been waiting for hoooours for you to get up and I can‘t wait any longer so come ooooon Sandeeer!” she whines, tugging at his arm, and Sander briefly thinks how it’s unnatural for a nine year old to have so much strength in such a small body. 

He laughs at her uncontained excitement but he also loves to tease her so he drops back on the bed.

“I think I’m gonna sleep a bit more,” he lets out a huge fake yawn and it has an immediate effect because soon enough he has his arms full of Lea tormenting him to get up. He finally gives up and picks her up as she giggles in his ear and leads them to the kitchen where, sure enough, they find a table full of candies and small packages. 

His mom leans to hug him good morning as she watches the little girl tearing into her presents with a fond amusement on her face. He kisses her cheek and goes to take care of his own pile.

His eyes lit up when he discovers a brand new set of oil paints he’s been eyeing for a while now but couldn’t afford and when he looks at his mom, jaw-dropped, she’s watching him with a knowing eyes as she stirs what’s probably their dinner in the pot before winking at him.

He stands up to hug her again. “Thanks, mom, those are amazing. But,” he chuckles, “don’t you think I’m a little too old for gifts from the Sint though?”

She scoffs and pinches his cheek a little which makes him roll his eyes in embarrassment to her great delight. “You’ll always be my little baby.”

She laughs at his groans of protest and then shoos them out of the kitchen claiming they’re making too much mess. Lea gathers all her trophies in her small arms and shoots to her room with Sander pretending to run after her to steal all of her candies before returning to his own.

On instinct, he grabs his phone and sees he has a new instagram notification with Robbe’s handle on it. 

It’s a photo of the kitchen table as he left it early this morning, full of goodies and with the tree sitting in the middle. “My Sint does it better 🎅😊🧡 ” is written below and Sander can’t stop the gooey feeling trickling down his chest. He drops on the bed with a small smile, putting a checkmark next to Sinterklauus on his mental list of Christmas traditions for Robbe.

***

**December 10th**

In the next few days they don’t see each other at all, with Sander being trapped in the library trying to finish a group project and Robbe sharing his time between cramming for his midterms and his boyfriend. When Robbe texts him to come over he’s on his way to a bar to meet up with his uni friends making Robbe send him a string of 🥺 before telling him to have fun and not miss him too much.

He couldn’t really promise him the second thing.

Sander finds himself in Robbe’s room again after another afternoon of playing video games with Senne which he does kinda hate but he can’t deny it’s always amusing to watch his friend shout and curse at the screen. He was supposed to go home to watch his sister but apparently, she had a playdate with her classmate so he couldn’t resist the urge to knock on Robbe’s door. He wanted to go once he saw Robbe was busy with homework but the boy told him to shut up and pulled him inside.

Sander got himself busy doodling, chatting with Robbe about nothing, and that’s how _the_ conversation happens.

"Hey Sander?"

He's so engrossed in correcting the shade to be just right that he only hums absent-mindedly.

"I was just wondering… um-"

Robbe falls quiet and when Sander looks up from his work, he notices how much he's squirming, his face a little pink. He drops his pencil and turns to Robbe, looking at him expectedly.

"Oh god this is so stupid," the boy groans as he covers his face with his hands.

"What is it?" When Robbe stays quiet, Sander rolls his chair closer and jabs him in his side with his finger. Robbe gives him a half-hearted glare at the attack but soon enough his shoulders slump again. "Come on, spit it out, you're making me nervous. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's not about that, it's about-, well, I could ask Milan but fuck I'm not gonna survive another gay guru talk so I thought hey, you're not bad to talk to-"

"You flatterer, you," he deadpans.

"That's not what I-, ugh, okay! IsitweirdIdon'twanttohavefullonsexwithTomas?" 

Sander's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline and he's not sure whether he heard correctly.

"I mean like, not yet, I guess? Or, at all? Is it weird? Should I just get over it? Should I just-"

Robbe looks like he's about to hyperventilate because he clearly forgot to breathe during this impromptu monologue so Sander does the first thing that comes to his mind and shut his mouth with a hand. It works great because the boy stops immediately, his eyes even wider than before.

"Breathe."

When he does just that, Sander is free to go on with his rant.

"First of all, what the fuck? Is he pressuring you or something? Because I swear-"

"What, no! I mean, he clearly wants it and I think he's getting a little annoyed with me not wanting to but he's not a dick about it either."

Sander watches his face closely looking for a lie in there but he doesn't find it. Still, he needs to ask.

"You're sure?"

Robbe rolls his eyes at him. "Yes, I'm sure, also for your information, I'm not some hopeless damsel in distress so you can chill, okay? I don't need you to be my protector."

"I know, but you know that if your ever needed my help-"

"Yes, I know, you would be my knight on a white horse. Thanks," Robbe looks at him with something akin to fondness in his eyes as he smiles a little.

"More like a white bike," he snorts, "but yeah, something like that."

They chuckle before the awkwardness is back on Robbe's face. Sander decides to put him out of his misery.

"And to answer your question," he waits before he has those beautiful brown eyes looking at him, "it's not weird. At all," he adds to stress his point.

Sander nudges his knee into Robbe. "Sex doesn't have to be "full on" to be meaningful. It's okay if you don't feel like it."

"Have you ever done it? With a guy?"

The question throws him off a little, for some reason.

"Yeah, a few times. But um-, it has always been just casual sex so I can't really speak about doing it with someone you actually love."

Robbe lets out a deep sigh before flopping on the bed.

"I don't think what I feel for Tomas is love, though."

Sander feels his heart skip a beat.

"You don't?"

"Well, I'm into him, yeah, but I'm not in love with him,” he states firmly as he shifts, resettling his head on the pillow.

"Maybe you just don't know it?" Sander can’t explain why he pushes, it's not like he wants Robbe to agree with him. In fact, his lovesick self is currently very selfishly happy.

"Trust me, I know how it feels to be in love," he mutters under his nose as he fiddles with the corner of the blanket. 

Sander wills his naive and hopeful heart to shut up.

"Well, it doesn't matter whether you love him or not, if you don't want to have sex with him, don't force yourself."

Robbe stays quiet for a while, oblivious to Sander's internal pining.

"I think I just don't want my full on first time to be with him, I guess," he shrugs self-consciously. A second later he peeks at Sander as if looking for validation.

So he smiles at him, tugging teasingly at his leg to put him at ease.

"That's okay. Seriously, don't stress yourself about it, Robbe. If the right person comes along and you wanna do it, great. If you never want to do it, great! It's really not a big deal."

Finally, a bigger smile appears on Robbe's face.

"You're so smart," he says with a playful tilt in his voice because of course he's being a little brat even now and Sander being Sander can't just let that go so instead, he gets up and starts tickling him to the accompaniment of Robbe's loud squeals. Once he thinks he had his revenge and Robbe’s face is the shade of purple, he retreats his fingers to let him breathe.

Then he says what has been on the tip of his tongue.

"Oh, and tell Tomas he can shove his annoyance up his ass. I can help him with that."

Robbe rolls his eyes again but this time, there's fondness in them as he watches Sander sit back on the chair.

He gets back to his abandoned drawing and Robbe gets himself comfortable on his bed as he starts on his biology homework again, his entire body much more relaxed than before their conversation.

Sander tries to focus on the task in hand but he can't stop his mind going on repeating what Robbe said.

_I'm not in love with him_

***

**December 11th**

The next day, Sander bribes Senne to sneak into Robbe’s room to leave a pack of Christmas bubbles next to his tree with a note saying _Make me festive_ because he doesn’t have time to do it himself. It does, of course, cost him more than just a promised beer, because on top of that he needs to endure Senne’s teasing texts which then turn into a lecture about how he should finally grow his balls and make a fucking move already.

He doesn’t respond because he has already told him over and over again that he won’t just break them up.

Shortly after, he gets a photo of the decorated tree from Robbe with a “I knew you had a soft side 😊😊😊” caption and he can’t deny it totally makes his day.

***

**December 12th**

Sander has been helping his mom who’s gotten into the swirl of Christmas cleaning to scrub the windows spotless for the last couple of hours when his phone pings with a text. 

_What are u doing?_

_I’m being bossed around my house by my mom and cleaning every flat surface_

_Whats up_

_I was thinking_

_Please don't, you're gonna hurt yourself_

🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

_Hilarious_

_Anyway_

_I WAS THINKING_

_Wanna go to the christmas market tonight?_

  
  


Sander raises his eyebrows in surprise. He was planning on taking Robbe to the market sometime next week but was still figuring out details on who else to invite and not make it look like a date.

  
  


_It's just that Tomas can't go cause he keeps saying he’s busy with his internship and I really want to go so I was thinking maybe you could go with me?_ 🙃

  
  


_Oh I see how it is_

_What_

_I'm your last option_

_Noooo_

_I mean yes_

_But you're a great last option!_ 😀😀😀

_You're breaking my heart_

_Haha_

  
  


Too bad Robbe doesn't realize how much he means it.

  
  


_Pleaaaaase_

_It's gonna be so fun!_

_I'll buy you a candy cane or something_

_Whatever you want_

_What is it with you and bribing me with food_

_I know what works for you_

_2 candy canes_

_Okay 2 candy canes_ 😂

_Fine_

_I'll go_

_I will sacrifice my precious time_

_Shut up_

_I know you love Christmas as much as I do_

_I don't_

_I'm a Grinch Robbe_

🦖 _(you as grinch there's no grinch emoji wtf)_

_Quit it or people will stop thinking I’m cool_ 😡

🤣

_You're not_

_TAKE IT BACK_

_Pff no_

_Take it back or I'm not going_

_Nope_

_Okay byeee_

_Ughhh fine you're cool_

_The coolest?_

_Yes the coolest, is your ego happy now?_

_Very_ 😊

_Btw_

_You can't be the Grinch_

_Why not?_

_Cause you're my sinterklaaus duuuh_ 💙

  
  


Sander groans in frustration to himself because it’s really getting too much. How is he supposed to get over this boy when he keeps saying shit like that, being all cute and so oblivious to the effect his words have on him?

  
  


_I'll pick you up at 5 okay?_

_Cool_

  
  


He can't stop his fingers from typing the next words.

  
  


_You're sure Tomas will be okay with me taking you for him?_

_If he cared he would make time_

_But I know he just doesn't want to go_

_So work is a perfect excuse_

_I'm sorry_

_Whatever_

***

  
  


Standing on the corner of the street and eyeing the place critically, Sander can’t stop but think that it literally looks like Christmas threw up all over it. There's no spot left uncovered without colorful lights twinkling, the wooden stalls filled with decorations or all kinds of Christmas goodies, and their smell is making Sander’s stomach grumble in desperation, demanding trying it all right now.

Everything is covered with a layer of snow making the scene look like it was taken from a Christmas movie. If he’s being honest, it’s actually really pretty, and when he glances at Robbe standing on his left the boy takes it all in with amazement written all over his face so they’re on the same page.

Robbe shoots him a smirk. "Let’s go, there are candy canes with your name on them."

They quickly get swamped into the crowd of overly enthusiastic people, pushing at them from every side, and they realize they need to keep close to each other if they don't want to be separated early on. Robbe has his eyes on a stand with spiced wine and he's walking like a man on a mission, the overcrowded space not doing anything to cool his excitement. 

The market is quite impressive this year, alley after alley of Christmas displays and Sander gets sidetracked several times, stopping to look at something closer. When they get separated for the 4th time because he hovers a little too long next to a stand with fancy coffee flavors, Robbe returns to get him, shaking his head with amusement.

“You’re like an overgrown child that needs to be watched,” he snorts, and then he unceremoniously grabs his hand, tagging him along. 

Sander is so taken aback that it takes him a minute to react.

“Aww, if you wanted to hold my hand all you had to do was ask.”

He gets a middle finger for that but Robbe still doesn’t let go of his hand.

“Shut up and stay close or else I’m gonna have to explain to your mother why I lost you,” he says, all business, but his mouth quirks on one side.

And well, Sander is not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he just gives Robbe’s hand a little squeeze and follows his steps obediently. 

Just like before, Robbe’s gloves were left behind, his hand cold as ice. Sander knows he shouldn’t but he can’t stop himself from running his thumb repeatedly on Robbe’s knuckles to warm them up at least a little. He’s not really prepared though for the bashful smile Robbe throws at the gesture over his shoulder.

He reminds himself that this is _not_ a date and Robbe has a boyfriend and he needs to pull himself together asap.

Thankfully, they arrive at their destination and Sander has a good reason to disentangle their hands without making it awkward, Robbe being too distracted with the heavenly smell coming from the table to say anything about it.

A second later he turns his big eyes at him, pleading to do the honors and buy them the wine he won’t get because he’s underage and Sander pretends to think about it until Robbe’s bottom lip juts out a little in a pout cutting off his teasing effectively and he caves under Robbe’s cute face just like he always does.

They find an empty table by some miracle so they stop a bit to let the wine warm them up before they continue with their trip. Robbe keeps his word and drags Sander to a stand that looks like it exploded with candy canes, offering all kinds of sizes and flavors. It’s not like Sander is a big fan of them, the taste a bit too sugary (“do I have to remind you how you take your coffee? Not a big fan, my ass”), but it’s still candy so it’s not like he’s going to say no. Robbe buys a few extra ones for Tomas and then asks Sander to take a picture of him in front of the Christmas tree to “send to him and show him what he’s missing” so he does, biting his tongue before he says something stupid, like point out the fact that if his _amazing_ boyfriend wanted to be here, he would have found the time to make it.

One photo turns into an impromptu photoshoot because once Sander takes out his camera he makes the best of it, trying different angles and photographing the displays along with the goofing around. 

Ever since he met him, Robbe has been his favorite subject so it’s not exactly difficult to get inspired now when he has him at his side, so pretty with his flushed from cold cheeks, full lips that are a bit cracked because he keeps gnawing on them and those beautiful eyes that reflect thousands of twinkling lights around them.

Basically, Robbe’s face is so pretty with its sharp features that it was made not only to be drawn on paper but also to be photographed.

And Sander loves to do that.

Robbe keeps giggling every time he catches him taking a picture of him, trying to cover his face and demanding payment for being Sander’s model. At one point, when Sander focuses on changing settings, a snowball hits him square in the face and when he looks up, his cheeks now frozen and dripping, Robbe is glancing in another direction innocently, but the gentle shaking of his body as he tries to contain the urge to laugh betrays him and it quickly gets too much and he just bursts into laughter, hollering like a mad man.

Naturally, that means war.

When Robbe is still wheezing, Sander shoves his camera back into his bag and then gathers some snow to form a ball and throws it swiftly at him, raising a fist in victory when it lands perfectly on his goal. And then all hell breaks loose until they need to call truce when they both almost break their legs running around like children on the icy pavement. 

It’s getting late but they’re having too much fun to go home already. They keep wandering around the alleys, pointing out some of the more ridiculous displays and Sander doesn’t remember the last time he laughed so much. 

They are passing by a stand with Christmas sweaters when suddenly Robbe lets out a squeak and starts cackling.

“Oh god, I think I’ve just found my Christmas present for you!”

Sander stops in his tracks at the sight in front of him, jaw dropping at what has to be the worst monstrosity he has ever seen.

A Christmas sweater.

With a horribly deformed Bowie head surrounded with _blue_ reindeers.

All neon pink. 

He blinks several times but it doesn’t work, it’s still there, laughing in his face, being a disgrace to Bowie and anything art related.

“There’s been a crime, Robbe, I’m calling the police,” he whines, shooting dirty looks at the atrocity hanging in the most visible spot like some kind of trophy.

“I think I’m gonna buy it.” He’s hit with Robbe’s beaming smile who’s clearly having the time of his life torturing Sander like this.

“Do it and I’m never talking to you again.”

Robbe rolls his eyes half-heartedly before he shoos him away from the stand, nudging him gently ahead. “It’s okay, it’s gone now, you can open your eyes, you drama queen. I think you need something to cheer you up after this traumatic event,” he looks around. “Do you wanna sit on Santa’s lap?” 

The bemused expression he receives makes him giggle. “Come on, let’s find some real art then.”

Robbe keeps close to him the entire time they go from stand to stand admiring the handmade figurines and crafts, even though the alleys are now much emptier, the cold making people go home. Their shoulders are constantly touching which Sander is hyper aware of with every little brush, no matter how unintentional it may be. 

Robbe is especially tactile today in general.

And Sander is confused.

At one point, when they get something to eat and a bit of cream lingers in the corner of his mouth, Robbe reaches out and swipes his thumb through it as if the gesture was totally natural for them, and it leaves him dumbfounded. It seems that Robbe’s brain eventually catches up to what he’s doing because he then looks down at his feet with his cheeks burning.

He clears his throat trying to get rid of the sudden awkwardness before jerking his head towards the nearby coffee shop.

“How about warming ourselves up a little? I think that mulled wine is not doing anything for my body anymore.”

Robbe accepts the offer with appreciation, even if his face still shows signs of embarrassment. 

The cafe is warm and cosy which is a change they welcome with gratitude after hours in the below temperatures. They’re on their way home anyway so they order their drinks to go. While waiting for them to be done, Robbe shows him the latest video he edited, explaining all the tricks he has recently learned, when a voice interrupts them.

“Sander?”

A guy is coming towards them with a beaming smile and a second later Sander finds himself wrapped in a tight hug, barely avoiding toppling over with the impact. 

“Jesus, I swear you’re getting taller each time I see you,” he wheezes after almost being squashed to death, his eyes focusing on the guy in front of him, assessing.

Eliott winks at him and that confidence Sander remembers so well is still in place. “We can’t all be as short and cute as you,” he shoots back, his hand lingering on his shoulder, giving him a little squeeze.

“Oh fuck off.”

Sander’s laugh is easy as he shoves him gently. Eliott’s eyes are flickering all over his face and his smile turns softer now, more private. 

Before Sander can say anything, Robbe clears his throat pointedly.

“Hi, I’m Robbe,” he gives Eliott a short nod. 

“Oh right, I don’t think you’ve actually met before,” Sander rushes with explanation. “Eliott is a friend from high school, but now he goes to college in Paris.”

Eliott wiggles his eyebrows at Robbe. “My French roots were calling for me.”

“What do you study?”

“He’s an artist, like me.”

Eliott scoffs at him, turning to Robbe. “But I’m not a full-blown artist like this one here. Sander is really amazing.”

Robbe gives him an unimpressed look and Sander can’t help but notice he seems kind of pissy. “Yeah I know that.”

If Eliott notices it too, he doesn’t say anything which doesn’t really surprise him - he has always been this easy-going guy, not looking for conflict or argument, chill as it goes. 

“So what are you doing in Antwerp?” Sander asks instead, trying to get rid of the weird vibe.

Eliott shoots another of his easy smiles at him. “I came home for Christmas, kinda early but I was missing my family a lot so I just took a train and here I am.”

“Your coffee, sir.”

Robbe starts to collect their orders when Eliott speaks again, looking between them now with a revelation on his face. “I should probably go, I don’t want to interrupt your date.”

“Oh, we’re not-,” Sander laughs with discomfort. “We’re just friends.” 

To Sander’s great pain. But Eliott doesn’t need to know that.

“Best friends,” Robbe chips in, a challenge in his voice when he regards the brown-haired boy. “But yeah, I think we should go, it’s getting pretty late.”

To Eliott, the look on Robbe’s face may seem apologetic, but Sander can see right through it. 

“Hey, maybe we could hang out soon? I really missed you,” Eliott asks hopefully as they’re all walking out the door with coffees in their hands.

“Yeah, that sounds great, text me, okay?”

He gets a goodbye hug and a quick kiss to his cheek and it seems like Eliott has really embraced this French culture. He then waves at Robbe and goes in the opposite direction.

“He’s a little… overenthusiastic,” Robbe comments out of nowhere, sipping his black coffee and looking at Sander from over his cup as if waiting for him to confirm it.

But he just regards him carefully. “Are you okay over there? What’s got you panties in the twist?” he teases, still surprised at his unusually unfriendly behavior. 

“Fuck off,” Robbe snorts rolling his eyes. “Come on let’s go home, I’m freezing again.”

He tugs at his arm and Sander decides to drop it for the time being and goes willingly. 

***

**December 14th**

An opportunity to finish Robbe’s Christmas tree comes two days later. When Robbe is distracted talking to Zoë, he slips out of the room and goes to get his jacket where he hid the lights. He looks around but everybody seems to still be in the living room so he opens the door to Robbe's bedroom quietly, feeling a little guilty for waltzing in there without his knowledge but hey, he's a man on a mission.

The tree is standing on the nightstand, looking green and very well taken care of. He gets to work, wrapping it with the lights, looking behind his back every few seconds to check if no one caught him. He sticks a note to the top and tip toes out of the room, letting out a breath once he closes the door behind.

_Light me up_

When he comes back to the group, the atmosphere feels a bit somber. He looks at Senne questiongly but he just shrugs and nods at Robbe.

Before he left, the boy seemed to be in a better mood, laughing with the others at Milan's story but now, he just sits on the sofa with a sad face, his shoulders slumped in what seems to be disappointment.

"What's up?"

"Tomas is not coming."

For Sander that’s great news, but seeing how dejected and frustrated Robbe looks he can’t really feel any satisfaction. 

“Maybe… he’s just busy?” he feels stupid once the words leave his mouth and he can’t figure out why he’s even trying to come up with excuses for Tomas behavior.

Robbe clearly shares his sentiment because he aims his anger at him, looking at him like he has just grown two heads. “Are you serious? You know damn well he’s just blowing me off lately so what’s with you and trying to explain him away? What’s with this weird solidarity?”

Sander falters at his outburst, never before having been the target of it. It’s surprising enough that the whole room falls quiet, all eyes going back and forth between them.

“Robbe, I just-,” he starts, putting his hands up in a placating gesture but Robbe is having none of it.

“What, you think standing me up all the time because of “being busy” is a good excuse? That it’s all fine?”

And now Sander is starting to get angry too because he doesn’t deserve to become a punching bag, even for Robbe. 

“Hey, don’t put words into my mouth, I didn’t say that! And maybe you could not take out your frustration with your boyfriend’s bullshit on me, huh?”

The previous concern evaporated from his voice, now heavily laced with irritation. They’re glaring at each other from across the room and the tension could be cut with a knife. There’s a challenge in Robbe’s eyes, like he’s waiting for Sander to even try to say something more, all ready to go at him again the second he dares to.

“Forget it,” he stands up abruptly from the couch. “I’m going for a walk.”

Despite being pissed off, he wants to reach out as Robbe passes him stomping out of the room without even sparing him a glance but he’s pretty sure it wouldn’t be well received. So he just stands there listening as the door to the apartment shut with a loud bang.

He scrubs his face with his hand before registering all three pairs of eyes on him looking at him with various stages of sympathy which makes him snap.

“What?” he throws his hands in exasperation. “He started.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Gosh, you’re both acting like children.”

“Maybe you should go after him?” Milan suggests, squirming on the couch like he wants to do it himself.

Senne shakes his head. “I think you should leave him alone, let him cool off maybe.”

“Why would I even go after him? So he could bitch at me some more?” he laughs humorlessly, suddenly wanting to just collect his things and go home so he can sulk in peace.

“Because you care?” 

Zoe may have a point there but he’s not about to go and admit that. So he just rolls his eyes.

“Whatever.”

He snatches his leather jacket hanging from the arm of the chair putting it on with rough movements.

“You’re leaving? Come on, we were supposed to have a movie marathon, dude,” Senne whines.

“Not in the mood anymore.”

He shoots them a half-hearted smile before saying his goodbyes and leaving the apartment.

Once he’s on the street he looks around to see if Robbe is anywhere in his sight but thankfully he must have gone on an actual walk. Sander doesn’t really want to talk to him if he’s being honest with himself, especially considering how he’s pretty sure their next confrontation would make him just spit out all the things he has to say on the subject of _Tomas_ and their relationship. And that would definitely not end well, painting _him_ as the bad guy who’s putting his nose where it doesn't belong. 

***

He keeps trying to focus on the text in front of him but he's been reading the same paragraph for the 5th time and it still doesn't make any sense to him. His mind wanders, not interested in this mandatory book that Sander has to finish by the New Year.

By 23 he gives up, throwing the book in the corner of his desk in frustration, cringing at some stuff falling down and making noise. Everyone is probably already sleeping but he wouldn't know for sure since he hasn't left his room since he stormed in earlier in the evening, still fuming with the fight.

He texts back and forth with Noor for a while, catching up on her tonight's endeavours with the squad, when he gets a message from Robbe.

  
  


_I’m sorry_

_I shouldn’t have reacted like this_

_I know I shouldn’t have taken it out on you_

_I’m just so fucking done with his excuses_

  
  


He lets out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Fighting with Robbe feels fucking awful. He should probably stay angry at him, not give in so easily but he’s just physically not capable of doing that, the need to make sure Robbe is okay too strong.

  
  


_Please don’t be mad at me_

_It’s okay Robin_

🙂

_Are you alright?_

_Not really_

_I’m just so tired_

_You wanna talk about it? You know, without being prissy?_

_Ha_

_Ha_

_Not right now but thanks_

_I’m really sorry_

_I said it was fine_

_So we’re okay?_

_Omg yes chill out_

_Okay 😎_

_🙄_

_Go to sleep it’s late_

_You need your beauty sleep_

_And a routine_

_I’m always beautiful_

_I’m not saying you aren’t_

_Stop flirting and go to sleep too_

_😏_

He’s surprised with himself that he actually wrote it so blatantly but he noticed that he started to care less and less whether he’s transparent or not. His motives with this whole Christmas thing are getting blurry, if he’s being honest with himself, and it’s hard to feel guilty about it when Robbe is clearly unhappy in his relationship

For the first time in a long time, he lets think about the possibility of them.

***

**December 16th**

Ice skating has been on Sander’s list from the beginning so when Noor tells Sander about where she spent last weekend, the wheels in his head start turning and an idea for another Christmas/winter like activity forms in his head right away.

  
  


**Sander:** There’s a new ice skating rink that just opened up

 **Sander:** Senne and I thought about going on Friday around 6, anybody wants to join?

 **Jens:** You? Ice skating? 🤣

 **Amber:** We’re in! 😊😊

 **Sander:** @Jens fuck off I’m a master of ice skating

 **Robbe:** 🤣🤣🤣 I can't wait to see you flat on your ass

 **Sander:** You're uninvited

 **Milan:** Yesssss! ⛸⛸⛸ Can we bring somebody? 😈

 **Sander:** Sure

 **Robbe:** Hey no I'm not I'm definitely going!!!

 **Sander:** I officially withdrew your invitation so 🤷🏼♂️

 **Robbe:** 🙄

 **Sander:** That's what you get for being a brat

 **Senne:** Zoe says 6:30 would be better

 **Milan:** 👍🏻

 **Amber:** 👍🏻

 **Moyo:** I'm in too ✌🏾

 **Jens:** 6:30 is chill

 **Robbe:** Yeah

 **Sander:** You're not going anyway so 🤔

 **Robbe:** 😠

 **Sander:** 🙂

 **Moyo:** Omg can you go flirt in your own chat?

 **Milan:** 😈😈😈 

**Robbe:** Fuck off 

**Senne:** Children please

 **Senne:** Calm down

 **Sander:** Okay dad 😇

 **Senne:** Stop

 **Sander:** Would you prefer "daddy"?

 **Senne:** 🤮

 **Sander:** 😘

 **Senne:** I'm gonna have nightmares now

 **Sander:** How often do you dream about me??

 **Senne:** I'm leaving

 **Robbe:** Haha no one likes you @Sander

 **Sander:** You love me 

**Robbe:** I tolerate you

 **Jens:** "Tolerate" sure, is that why you constantly talk about him

 **Robbe:** I don't fuck off 🖕🏻

 **Moyo:** Yes you do 🤣 

**Sander:** 😏

 **Robbe:** I don't know why I'm friends with all of you 🖕🏻

  
  


***

**December 18th**

They hadn’t booked in advance, but thankfully, the ice rink was relatively empty when they arrived so getting in didn’t turn out to be a problem. Sander is still putting on his skates, dreading the moment of stepping on the ice, the rest has already ventured into the rink trying out their first moves while others, like Zoe, are already skating around with confidence of someone who has done it a hundred times before. He chuckles at Senne’s clumsy attempts to catch up to her but his laughter turns into internal groan when he remembers that his best friend’s moves are going to look super gracious once Sander shows his total lack of skills. 

The main reason for his willingness to make a spectacle of himself isn’t here yet and he anxiously glances towards the entry, worrying at his bottom lip when there’s still no one there. 

When he finally ties the last string of his ice skates, sighing because he can’t put off entering the rink any longer, the door swings open and Sander sees a whirl of brown curls.

He has spent the day mentally preparing himself to watch Robbe and Tomas acting all lovey dovey so he’s surprised when there’s no one else trailing behind Robbe.

“Sorry for being late.”

The boy leans down to give him a quick hug before shucking off his winter coat leaving him in an orange hoodie. 

“I’m gonna get the skates.”

He’s gone before Sander can even respond and there’s something about his expression that makes Sander frown. Robbe comes back after a few minutes, shooting him a tight-lipped smile as he flops down on the bench next to him to put the skates on.

“Is everything okay?” he nudges his shoulder gently, not wanting to put him on the spot if he decides to not say anything.

But Robbe just lets out a deep sigh, his movements a little forceful as he tugs on the stubborn laces.

“Yeah, I guess,” he leaves it at that for a moment, only to look at Sander with resignation in his eyes in the next minute, his shoulder slumping. “Tomas cancelled on me last minute. Again. Something about having to meet with his thesis supervisor, like it couldn’t fucking wait until tomorrow.”

He pauses to take off his shoes and the sadness turns into anger.

“And like, I know it’s a fucking bullshit excuse, you know? He was stumbling through it, rushing to get off the phone and-,” he laughs humorlessly. “I feel like shit because it’s like I’m not even good enough for him to come up with a good excuse to ditch me.”

Sander wants to say so many things, wants to shake him up and tell him to finally break up with that asshole who doesn’t deserve him but he qualms all that, willing it to stay inside because this is not the time and not the place and this evening was supposed to be about Robbe having fun skating like he did when he was a kid. And Sander will let Tomas ruin his plans when hell freezes over. 

Still, there are some things that just need to be said here and now.

“Hey, look at me.” When Robbe’s eyes stop on him, he continues. “Remember when you told me that you hate when I’m putting myself down? All those times I’m having a hard time?”

Robbe nods, the sadness in his eyes making Sander want to protect him from all the bad this world throws at him.

“So how do you think I feel when you do it to yourself, hmm? You’re so much more than “good enough”.”

When Robbe still doesn’t look convinced, eyes downcast and dejected as he shrugs a little, Sander reaches to grab his chin gently and turn his head to him. The tender gesture makes Robbe blush a little and Sander didn’t really think it through before touching him but now when he finally has the boy’s attention, he tries to ignore his brain’s attempts at second-guessing his actions and trains his face into the earnest look.

“You’re the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever met,” he says with determination lacing his voice to make him understand. “And I’m sorry your boyfriend doesn’t seem to see that, Robbe, I am, but I just need you to know how wrong he is not to.” 

He’s aware of the emotion in his voice, his true feelings sometimes too hard to hide but right now all he cares about is to erase any self-doubt Robbe may have about himself and to not let Tomas harm his self-esteem. Robbe is scanning his face, looking a little surprised at his admission, almost successful at masking it. But he smiles nevertheless.

“You’re not too bad yourself,” he elbows him and Sander rolls his eyes fondly at his impish tone.

He stands up gingerly, his balance shit as he tries to waddle those two meters to the rink. “Come on now, quit stalling. Let’s see whether you’re as good at ice skating as you are on your skateboard.”

The challenge in Robbe’s eyes combined with a smirk make him shiver as the boy walks past him, stepping on the ice with confidence.

“I’m much more interested if you’re the “master” you claimed to be.”

And with that he skates away with a shit-eating grin, keeping eye contact before he turns around and gracefully crosses the rink to greet the others with an ease Sander can’t even dream of.

What a show off.

It shouldn’t be this hot. But oh god, Sander can’t take his eyes off of him. 

He swallows nervously and sets his foot on the ice.

It can’t be that difficult.

Right?

Turns out Sander couldn’t be more wrong. If he ever doubted that now he’s absolutely sure that he just doesn’t possess any sport related bone in his body. None. 

He makes a few aborted movements but in the end, he clutches the railing hanging for a dear life. 

A low chuckle comes from behind his back and before he can flip off the person that laughs at his pain, he feels a hand on his arm and when he turns around, Robbe looks at him with a tongue in cheek smile.

“So how’s the skating going, _master_?”

“Awesome,” Sander squeezes out, his entire body rigid in order not to lose balance. Robbe doesn’t even comment on this blatant lie, instead reaching for his hands.

“Come on, I’ll show you how.”

And with that he starts to slowly skate them backwards and Sander almost panics.

“Fuck, what if I kill you with my clumsiness?”

Robbe keeps staring into his eyes and _it's not helping_.

“We’ll be fine, I promise.”

Suddenly, Sander realizes that they are in the middle on the rink and he panics again.

“Please don’t let go?”

“Never.”

He can hear the guys teasing his skills from the side (as if they are doing that well themselves) but it’s like a background noise, his entire attention focused solely on Robbe. For the millionth time he’s mesmerized by his beauty, especially now with his cheeks rosy with cold, the soft brown curls that fell out of his hood and are now hanging softly over his forehead, and Sander’s fingers start itching with how much he wants to put the strands back in their place. 

Robbe’s gaze is so intense Sander’s heart clenches because he’s so confused with everything that has been happening lately, mixed signals making him question everything.

“See, you’re doing great,” Robbe beams at him and Sander snorts because he’s sure that if Robbe let go, he would just fall down on his ass.

“Sure,” he deadpans.

Laughing, Robbe releases one of his hands and swiftly turns around and now they’re skating next to each other, holding hands.

Senne keeps sending him questioning looks from near them, his eyes flying between the two of them, but he just shrugs.

He doesn’t know what’s happening either.

Their hour is up sooner than anticipated and Sander manages not to fall even once. Granted, Robbe let go of his hand for about 10 seconds in total, but still.

Sander is proud of himself.

Especially because he managed not to combust being so fucking close to Robbe for an entire hour, with him happy and smiley and beautiful.

When they’re all packing their things, he can hear Robbe and the boys making plans for a party.

“You wanna go with me and the boys to the bar tomorrow evening?” he asks him, his eyebrows raising questiongly. 

“I can’t, Eliott texted me and we’re going to dinner around 8 I think.”

Robbe’s face falls but he tries his best to recover quickly.

“Oh, um, that’s… great,” he trails off, fiddling with his jacket. “So, I’m gonna go now but, uh, thanks for this, it was really nice.”

He shoots him a half-hearted smile and then he’s out the door before Sander can even offer they go home together.

***

**December 19th**

Baking has been an obligatory part of Sander’s Christmas mission from the start and when he arrives at Robbe’s doorstep with arms full of ingredients and a knowing smirk, the boy looks at him dumbfounded for only a second before bursting into laughter and rushing him into the kitchen, sold to any baking idea Sander may have in mind. They instantly get to work, Robbe’s joyful eagerness to help melting Sander’s insides, his comfy attire which makes him look especially soft and cuddly, not helping either. 

They both have clumsiness genes in their bodies so the flour ends up not only on the counter but also on their clothes. Sander came with a recipe ready in his phone but in the end, they decide to join forces and combine it with a recipe Robbe used with his mom when he was ten years old and hope for the best. 

Shortly after, the kitchen looks like a mess, flour and spices sprinkled all over the counter and table and it’s going to be a pain to clean it all up. But that’s a problem for later. Right now they’re having so much fun, they don’t pay it any attention. 

When it’s time to give the pie its shape, Sander inspects Robbe’s crust forming technique critically.

"No, look, you need to-" without second-guessing himself, he gently takes Robbe's hand to manoeuvre his fingers into the right position. A faint blush appears on Robbe's cheeks which is a bit funny to Sander considering they've held hands way too much in the recent days anyway. 

They make a few dents together, Sander's bigger hand still on Robbe's smaller one and the boy lets out a pleased squeak when he notices the crust finally starts to look right. 

"Look, we're doing it!"

His voice is so genuinely proud that any teasing Sander might have had in his mind evaporates and he just takes his fill watching Robbe's happy smile. Sighing internally, he pulls his hand away and busies himself with whisking the filling into submission.

“You think this is alright?” Robbe shows him his finished ripples with an expectant look.

Brows knitting together, Sander assesses his work before giving him a thumbs up.

They decide to skip the pre-baking and just pour the pumpkin filling into the pan before carefully placing the dish in the oven. 

“Hey, um-,” Robbe starts quietly, wiping the excess of flour and butter on the towel. “You’re sure you don’t wanna join us tonight?”

“I don’t really want to reschedule with Eliott so,” he trails off, choosing to omit the small fact that he’s not a huge fan of spending his nights watching Robbe’s friends make idiots out of themselves, even if that means the chance to hang out with Robbe himself.

Robbe makes a small sound of acknowledgement, biting his lip as he hovers next to the oven, weird awkwardness in his movements. The cheesy Christmas music that he has put on for shit and giggles comes to a stop and the sudden silence around them is so unlike _them_ that Sander is at loss at what to say next too. That has never been an issue with them because Robbe is actually the easiest person to talk to.

Right now though it feels like they have both started to come to realization that they are due for some long overdue conversation about the changing nature of their friendship but it’s like neither wants to touch that subject, afraid of the outcome. Sander has been reflecting on those last several days when they hung out so much, sifting through every detail of their interactions to be absolutely sure that no, he is not making things up; Robbe has been acting much more forward towards him than usual, the flirting getting less and less subtle, not to even mention all the unnecessary touching and hand holding.

But.

The one reason why Sander still hasn’t acted on his feelings is still very much in the picture. And Robbe needs to figure it out himself.

So instead of prolonging the awkwardness he catches Robbe’s eye and shoots him an apologetic look. “I should go, I’m all covered in flour so I should probably take a shower before meeting with Eliott.”

“Oh, okay.”

Sander checks the state of the pie that still has about 40 minutes left to go and fires Robbe a wink. “Save a slice for me after it’s done, okay?” 

Robbe nods but he’s not looking at him, his previously good mood now untraceable on his face. His smile is tight, almost sad as he’s walking Sander to the door. 

The last thing he says to him before he closes the door behind is a quiet _have fun with Eliott_.

If Sander didn’t know any better, he would recognize the twinge in his voice as resignation and disappointment.

***

It’s 23:30 when Sander tiptoes into his room, blowing hot air on his frozen palms. He was planning on coming back sooner but he and Eliott had a lot catching up to do, and Sander genuinely missed his company. They have always shared their passion for art and he was the only person in his high school inner circle he could talk to about it. 

But even more than that, Eliott could understand his struggles better than anyone else he knew because they were diagnosed with bipolar around the same time.

While taking off his clothes, jumping on one leg trying to pull off his overly tight jeans, Sander smiles to himself when he thinks about the way Eliott’s eyes shined when he told him about Lucas. It was nice to hear that he has found a person who loved him so unconditionally, even if Sander felt a twinge of jealousy at not having the same. 

His musings are interrupted with buzzing coming from his pocket. Once the light is off, he flops onto the bed covering himself up to his neck before he checks his phone.

  
  


**sterkerdanijzer** liked your post

 **sterkerdanijzer** liked your post

 **sterkerdanijzer** liked your post

 **sterkerdanijzer** commented on your post

 **sterkerdanijzer** liked your post

  
  


Okay, that’s… intriguing. Robbe doesn’t use instagram all that much.

Sander leans on his elbow and opens the app, curiosity spiking when he clicks on the notifications.

All four liked pictures are his selfies. Older ones and newer ones.

The one with a rainbow across his photo, the one from June when he buzzed off his hair, the newest Halloween selfie with a Bowie bolt painted across his face. And then there’s the one in front of a mirror. 

Robbe left a comment there too.

  
  


_Your rly hadnsome_ <3 

  
  


He stares at it, blinking several times quickly to make sure his exhaustion is not making him see things and even goes as far as reloading the app in case it’s just a very weird glitch.

But it’s still there.

Another display of behavior that can hardly be interpreted as “friendly”. 

Sander checks the time again. Robbe should probably still be with the boys in the bar.

  
  


_Hey where are you?_

_Heeey_

_Im out with the biys somewhere_

_Why_

_Do yiu miss me_

_You can still come byy_

_Are you drunk?_

_Idk_

_Maybr a tiny bit_

_Heh_

_Sandeerr_ 🥺

_What is it?? You're okay??_

_Nooooooo_

_Im so not okayy_

_Do you need me to pick you up??_

_Is Tomas with you?_

_Nope_

_I beoke up with him_

  
  


Wait.

What.

Sander’s heart starts beating faster and he sits straight right away trying to process this new development when another message comes.

  
  


_SandeRrr_

_I dont want you to date him_

_Who??_

_The french guy_

_Eliot_

_He’s not good enough for you_

_What s wrong wit me huh?_

_Why dont u want me_

_Why did u makd me think you want me_

_If you dont_

_Ive been going crazy lately bceua s of yu_

_And now youve gone and found tyousefl someone else_

_What am i suppsed to dfo now_

  
  


The texts just keep coming in, Robbe being so drunk he’s just pouring his heart out. Sander’s eyes are flying over all of them, the misspelled words leaving no doubt of Robbe’s state, and everything makes sense and it doesn’t at the same time. 

He honestly had no idea of Robbe’s interpretation of his relationship with Eliott. He’s not sure how _anyone_ could even think that when all he’s moon-eyed over Robbe. 

  
  


_Can you do something for me?_

_Evrythging snder_

_Find Aaron and ask him to get you home okay?_

_Why_

_I think you drank a bit too much and I want you safe_

_Please? Do it for me?_

_Kay fr u i will_

_Aaarroooonnnnnnnnnnnn_

_Oh my god it doesn’t work like that you have to go and talk to him_

_Ok😊_

_Sander?_

_Im sorry_

_Pleas dont hate me kay?_

_I could never hate you_

_Mkay😊_

  
  
  


He scrubs his hand over his face with a deep sigh. He just hopes Robbe is going to do as he told him and let Aaron take him home. Sander knows for a fact that Aaron is going through a phase of “no alcohol” with Amber so he should be sober enough to do it. But just in case, he shoots him a quick text making something up and Aaron promises to take care of Robbe so it makes him breathe a little easier.

Still, he’s not sure how he’s supposed to sleep tonight, the giddiness in his chest keeping him on high alert. If Robbe is not pranking him which he’s pretty positive he’s not…

Maybe Sander’s Christmas this year will be much happier than he anticipated.

But first.

They both have A LOT of explaining to do.

***

**December 22nd**

He twists and turns until Aaron lets him know Robbe is safe and sound in his bed. But even after that sleep doesn’t come, his head too loud to let him get any rest. 

He should be bursting with happiness right now, counting hours until Robbe sobers up so he can go to him and kiss him. Tell him everything he feels for him.

Tell him how much he loves him.

But that would be too simple. Right after the initial joy, doubt has started creeping in. Reasons he forgot about or, rather, pushed into the corner of his treacherous mind, coming to the surface to suffocate him and take the happiness away with their cold hands.

Sander doesn’t deserve him. He’s broken. He’s a burden. Tomas may not be perfect but at least he’s not going to pull Robbe with him like Sander inevitably will when he hits another rock bottom and his mind turns against him again.

There’s a small voice somewhere in the back of his head whispering to him it’s not true. Robbe knows about his illness. Robbe saw him at his worst. Robbe stayed with him at his worst. Robbe cared for him at his worst.

Robbe has kept being his friend afterwards. He didn’t leave thinking it’s too much.

That _he's_ too much.

Logically, Sander knows all this. But then the first voice comes back and it’s like a vicious circle all night long.

Needless to say, he doesn’t get much sleep.

***

Thankfully, he manages to get a few hours of shut-eye in the morning and when he wakes up to the bright light hitting his face, which is unusual for the end of December, he’s completely disoriented. Groggily, he checks the hour and when the screen shows it’s past 13 he thanks the lord for having a winter break already and not having to rush out of bed trying to find an excuse for missing morning classes.

The events of previous night slowly re-enter his brain and he taps his messenger convo with Robbe to refresh it but nothing new comes up. Robbe is either brutally hungover after yesterday or he’s avoiding him.

After a long shower that helps him to feel more alive he ventures into the kitchen for a strong coffee and it’s met with a disapproving look from his mother who, for the millionth time, points out to him how important sleep is in his case. He barely restraints himself from rolling his eyes at her, knowing very well it wouldn’t be well received but the comment hits a fragile nerve. 

His illness has been on his mind the entire night. He still doesn’t know what he should do.

Well. He knows what he _should_ do.

But the temptation of a chance to be with Robbe may turn out too strong once he makes sure it’s on the table for real.

After a few hours Sander decides to text him to make sure he’s alive but he leaves him on read, leaving him no choice but to hastily put on his jacket, grab his wallet and go to him, the anticipation and worrying too much for him to handle.

He’s crossing the sidewalk on auto mode, his head too occupied with chaos. Fifteen minutes later, he’s on Robbe’s doorstep, hesitating for only a second before knocking. When the door finally opens, he’s met face to face with Robbe who’s looking like a deer caught in headlights. Sander can see how he flushes deep red instantly, his throat working as he nervously swallows.

“Sander, I can explain-” he fumbles with his words, letting him into the apartment and running his hand through his curls in distress.

“Robbe-”

“No, listen,” he pleads with him, his eyes desperate for him to understand. “I was drunk, I didn’t think clearly and I was talking out of my ass. You’re free to date whoever you want and it was just fucking stupid of me to assume that those last few weeks might have meant more,” he keeps rambling, trying to get it all out at once.

Sander doesn’t wait for the rest though. “Okay, first of all, how did you get it into your skull that me and Eliott were on a date?” 

Robbe looks taken aback but recovers quickly and scoffs. “Well, I’m not stupid, I saw how he looked at you in the coffee shop and I saw your insta story yesterday, you clearly had lots of fun together.”

“Were you jealous or something?” 

He couldn’t have stopped himself from saying that even if he tried. As it was easy to predict, Robbe doesn’t react well.

“Oh fuck you,” he spits out, narrowing his eyes at him angrily. “Fuck you. You made me think you liked me and then you just went on a date with some _guy-_ ”

“I didn’t go on a date with Eliott, jesus christ, Robbe!” Sander is slowly losing control over the volume of his voice. “Also, should I remind you about your boyfriend?”

“I broke up with him.”

“And how the hell was I supposed to know that? You didn’t tell me!”

“Because it was a fresh thing, I still wasn’t sure about it because all you did was make me confused.”

Sander throws his hands in exasperation. “Well, I have a newsflash for you, Robbe, I don’t exactly lean backwards to create Christmas traditions for anybody else but I cared too much about you to not give you this after Tomas’ dick move. How could that be confusing?”

Robbe hangs his head looking lost for words before taking a shaky breath and then he asks, quieter now, “So why didn’t you do anything sooner? Why didn’t you do something after Ardennes?”

“Because I waited too long,” he finally confesses, lowering the volume of his voice as well. “I wanted it to be perfect so I waited for the perfect moment and I blew my chance because then Tomas came along, okay? And I thought it was for the better.”

Robbe looks at him incredulously. “How was that for the better? I’d been waiting for weeks for you to make a move and then I realized I must’ve completely misunderstood what we had during that trip and, fuck,” he laughs humorlessly, his eyes shining with tears now and it breaks Sander’s heart. “It hit me how stupid I was. How I could’ve possibly thought that a guy like you would be into me?” 

With that his shoulders slump and his whole body deflates like a balloon, all fight leaving him as he gnaws at his upper lip relentlessly.

And Sander is rendered speechless because it’s the most absurd thing he’s ever heard. His eyes flicker all over Robbe’s beautiful face, looking so ashamed now, so lost and he can’t stand it anymore. 

He closes the distance between them and without second-guessing himself he rests his forehead on Robbe’s who closes his eyes at the surprising gesture. It makes his overflooded eyes spill over and one single tear drops on his flushed cheek, Sander’s thumb immediately there to catch it and gently wipe it off.

"I can't do this anymore."

Robbe’s vulnerable voice makes Sander freeze, his heart beating double time as he dreads what he’s going to say next. But before he can internally freak out, the boy continues.

"I really tried, you know? But it's getting impossible. You with your grand gestures, your stupid jokes, baking with me, taking me to the Christmas market, and ice skating and creating that whole tree scavenger hunt, just _you_ , fuck, Sander," his voice is getting more and more desperate, eyes fixed on the floor. But the next words are quiet. "I've been trying so hard to get over you."

Sander is done with this conversation. He doesn’t need to hear more.

Without separating their foreheads, he tilts Robbe’s chin up and when the boy’s eyes finally find his, looking at him sadly from his furrowed brows, he gives him a beaming smile.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?”

Robbe stops breathing for a few seconds, searching for a lie on Sander’s face and then, before Sander can make a move, he cups his cheek and crashes their lips together making him let out a surprised grunt.

It’s desperate and intense from the start, their hands grasping at each other not knowing where to touch first when they’re suddenly allowed to touch everywhere. Sander puts his entire being into it, kissing him as thoroughly as he’s capable of, pouring every ounce of love he has accumulated over all those months.

Robbe is so responsive to his every touch that it makes him dizzy in no time. They manage to find their rhythm despite the growing desperation and it comes as natural as if they were doing it for years. When Robbe opens his mouth granting him access, he doesn’t waste a second before licking his tongue in deep inside, the moan it earns him shooting a swirl of heat through him. 

He can feel his body respond and the rippling shivers going through Robbe’s body are a clear tell he’s not doing any better. He gives a tentative roll of his hips and it makes Robbe’s wandering hand clutch at Sander’s leather jacket and pull him along as he starts backing them towards his bedroom, shutting the door with a loud bang behind.

The kiss turns bruising as they tear each other’s clothes off, barely unlocking their lips to pull shirts over their heads and then they’re falling onto the bed finally getting lost in each other’s bodies.

***

After the initial desperation has been satisfied, the kisses turn slower and softer, lips now properly learning each other. Things happened so fast that Sander’s mind is buzzing with everything he feels.

And then Robbe makes his brain stop completely when he whispers against his lips that he has always wanted Sander to be his first. 

He breaks the kiss and searches his face to see if he’s understanding him correctly and Robbe gives him a small shrug and a mischievous smile. At first, he’s hesitant, remembering their conversation a while back but Robbe is relentless. He repeats again and again that he’s absolutely sure and he honest to god pouts at him when Sander suggests maybe waiting for a bit. 

He gives in shortly after. He’s only human. And, not to be dramatic, but hey, he’s lying in bed with the love of his life.

When it happens, it's so much.

Everytime he thought about it, he knew it was going to be intense but he still underestimated how intense it could really get.

The way Robbe is writhing under him is making him lose his mind, every broken noise a music to his ears. He’s clinging to his back paying no attention how his blunt fingernails are digging into his spine, dipping lower and lower leaving marks in their wake until his hands stop at Sander’s ass, gripping at it and kneading in with his fingers.

He starts to rock faster, Robbe’s eyes opening wide at the sudden change in pace and his mewling is going to live rent free in Sander’s head for a long time. He makes an absolute feast out of his neck, sucking and nibbling to his heart’s content once he notices how it makes Robbe’s fingers tighten in his hair. 

At one particularly deep thrust Robbe’s eyes roll back in his head and his hips arch up looking for friction. “Fuck, Sander.”

A minute later, it’s game over for both of them.

***

**Robbe**

**December 23rd**

It’s several hours later when Robbe blinks awake, not quite sure what has woken him up. At first, he’s not really sure of his surroundings, his mind still blissfully drifting after experiencing the most peaceful sleep he had in months. Part of his body is uncovered and he shivers, goosebumps rising on his skin, and suddenly the arm lying across his waist tightens around him making him realize several things at once.

He’s naked.

Hot air tickles the back of his neck.

There’s a warm body plastered to his back.

That body is Sander.

Oh god.

He takes a few shaky breaths trying to make sense of what happened last night.

Just a thought of it makes him smile so wide he thinks he’s going to burst with happiness. It makes him want to wake Sander up so they can start making love all over again.

Robbe has never thought it could feel this way. So intense, so full of passion. 

So in love.

He carefully turns in his arms because he needs to see him _right now_. Otherwise he won’t be able to believe it.

Sander is still sleeping soundly, his thick eyelashes fluttering on his cheek and Robbe wants to reach out and touch his cheek so badly but he’s afraid it’d wake him up so he squeezes his fist to stop himself.

He snuffles and he’s so cute Robbe almost whimpers at the sight in front of him.

It feels a little creepy to stare at him like that but it gives Robbe a chance to take in every detail of his face, to remember every little mole and freckle, something he couldn’t do before, afraid of getting caught looking too long.

That one mole right above his cupid bow has to be Robbe’s favorite. He noticed it on Sander’s first day of the trip when both of them were goofing around in the supermarket to Rebel Rebel coming from the speakers. 

He was sold that very first day.

He’s not sure why but he’s a little nervous about how Sander is going to react when he wakes up. What if he decides it was a mistake and it’s better if they get back to being friends?

Fuck, he can’t wait any longer.

He scoots closer, so close he can feel Sander’s warm breath on his face. Their noses almost touch but almost is not enough for him right now so he comes even closer and brushes them together slowly. 

He pulls back anticipating a reaction any second now, giddiness rising in his stomach.

Sander carefully opens one eye, squinting at him. He’s quiet for a few moments and Robbe holds his breath. 

“Oh wow,” he smiles dreamily, “I think I’m still sleeping if I’m seeing angels.” He squeezes his eyes shut comically and starts turning to his other side. “I’d better sleep some more.”

Robbe giggles and pulls at his shoulder. “Come here, you dork.”

Sander doesn’t put up any fight and goes willingly, turning on his back and looking at Robbe with a huge smile and such adoration in his eyes it makes him dizzy.

He has no idea how he could miss it before.

Before he can lean down to give him a good morning kiss Sander makes the move first, tangling his fingers in his curls to bring their faces together. 

When their lips finally meet the sparks fly just like they did last night when they kissed for the first time. And it’s so gentle at the beginning, their lips moving sleepily against each other, but soon enough Sander’s tentative tongue touches Robbe’s lower lip asking for access and when it gets inside, Robbe can’t stop the little whine at the back of his throat that is quickly swallowed by Sander’s unyielding mouth. 

He pulls back a bit, hands firmly on Robbe’s waist as he’s placing small pecks at his lips as his own stretch into a smile that gets wider when Robbe visibly shivers at the little nicks and bites Sander leaves at the hinge of his jaw, running his tongue over them to soothe the sting. It makes him grab the brown strands between his fingers in order to calm himself at least a little because he’s almost shaking with everything he’s feeling right now.

Sander just has _that_ effect on him.

He can’t control it.

He was fighting this desire so hard and so long that now when he finally can get it all out, when he can kiss and touch and nuzzle, he’s hot all over in seconds, without Sander doing much.

And they have barely even started.

God, this boy is going to be the death of him.

This beautiful, dorky, hot as fuck boy who has been running around for the last few weeks to make him happy.

He can’t believe he has him in his bed.

It’s like Sander can feel his growing desperation because he pulls back again, chuckling at Robbe’s obvious displeasure at the break in contact. He kisses him for the last time, lingering a little, one hand soothing down the curve of his spine. 

“Hey, baby.”

Robbe smiles shyly at the endearment, still getting used to this completely new dynamic between them. 

Well, if he had any doubts about Sander’s intentions, that short word seems to clear that up.

“Hey,” he whispers as if he’s afraid to break their little bubble.

Sander regards his face with a dopey smile when his eyes stop at his earring.

“You know,” he rasps as his lips travel ever so slowly up his jawline making Robbe dizzy, “when I saw you wearing that earring for the first time it made me go so crazy,” he puts the piercing between his teeth and tugs a little, then circles it with his tongue.

Robbe gasps, his hand searching for a hold in Sander’s hair but Sander breaks the contact again.

“Hey, um, you know you can still back out, right?” he jokes suddenly, but his voice wavers with insecurity.

Robbe raises his brows at the sudden gear change. “Why would I want to?”

Sander shrugs a little, avoiding his eyes. “I’m not always exactly, um, easy to handle.”

Despite his wording, Robbe immediately knows what he’s talking about. He scoots closer to him, hand running back and forth on his chest.

“I know I didn’t say that yesterday but in case that wasn’t clear? I love you. All of you.”

He reaches to smooth out the wrinkle between his eyes. “Your bipolar won’t scare me away. It didn’t in the past and it also won’t make me give up on what we can have now.”

“I wouldn’t hold it against if you decided to-”

Robbe shuts him up with a kiss because they already had this conversation once. The nature of their relationship was different, but Sander’s fear of abandonment has been there ever since they met. Once all traces of vulnerability are gone from his face, Robbe flops on his chest, creating a place for his head in the nook of his neck. He feels a kiss on his forehead as Sander wraps his arms tightly around him and he takes it as a final acceptance on his part.

“Why did you break up with Tomas?” he asks suddenly and Robbe groans at the question.

“Really? You wanna talk about this now?”

“Yep.”

“Hmmm, let me think. Maybe because someone made me realize I actually had an awful boyfriend by being all cute and lovey, being a Sint for me and bringing me gifts and buying me a tree,” he enlists with a giant smile on his face, still not over that whole ordeal.

He loves how extra Sander is.

Sander gasps in feigned shock. “Who is it? Who do I have to fight now?”

His giggling is effectively shut up when Sander entangles his fingers in his hair, bringing his head down for a deep kiss. Robbe is so enthralled with it that he misses Sander’s firm grip on his hips. A second later, he’s being swiftly flipped and before he can register what’s happening, Sander is hovering over him with a cocky smirk that causes new waves of heat to flood through him, and he lets out a shaky breath that almost turns into a whimper.

The delicate, affectionate brush of their noses that comes next positively turns his brain into a pile of mush.

“I’m holding onto you,” Sander whispers with a mischievous smile, only millimeters separating their lips and Robbe’s sure Sander can feel how he’s begging for a kiss with his body language. So he pecks him softly, his upper lip sticking to Robbe’s a bit longer as if it didn’t want to disconnect. “And I’m never letting go of you.”

“I’m in," Robbe responds dreamily once he gets his another share of kisses. "So… I guess you’re my boyfriend now.”

“No, hey, you have to officially ask me! Come on.”

Sander lets go of him and makes himself comfortable on the bed, his eyebrows raised in expectation.

Robbe chuckles and shakes his head with fondness but he indulges him because he’s too cute not to.

“Sander Driesen, will you be my boyfriend?”

He pretends to give it a thought, narrowing his eyes at him as if he’s weighing his options.

“Yes, I will,” he finally replies in a lofty voice and Robbe can’t hold his giggle any longer. He pulls on his arm because he's too far away and Sander comes easily, entwining their hands together as he leaves pecks all over his face. 

They have so much to look forward to. 

Robbe can’t wait to see Sander’s excitement when he unpacks the second-hand vintage camera he spent hours upon hours searching for online. Or the ugly Bowie sweater he came back for the next day because how could he not? 

He can’t wait to see the look on their friends’ face when they tell them they finally got their shit together. Milan will probably cry, he’ll be so proud.

He can’t wait to bring Sander over to his house on Christmas Day to announce to his mother that the boy she adores so much is now, in fact, his boyfriend and that yes, it does mean he broke up with that “rude one who doesn’t appreciate his baby boy enough.”

He can’t wait to spend the rest of his winter break with Sander, kissing, cuddling, touching, _fucking_ and making up for all that time they wasted.

But that’s all for later.

Right now, he’s exactly where he wants to be. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love 🥰🥰🥰
> 
> This was a journey alright, I kinda love it and hate it at the same time 😂


End file.
